Mob Enforcer Game Review - gamegame
Mob Enforcer is one of the worst things ever made by another human
being I first became aware of this game probably a few years ago now when
people in comment sections started telling me to check it out and I took one
look at the screenshots I knew what kind of game it was right away mob enforcer
or Chicago enforcer as it was later known on the xbox is the first-person
shooter developed by touchdown entertainment and never has the name of a developer
being so inappropriate either anyway it was originally released for Microsoft Windows
back in 2004 at a time when so many good first-person shooters were coming out
I had what could only be described as a 365-day erection running on the Jupiter
engine is about all it's got going for it considering otherwise it's really not
all that remarkable and made by a development team that don't even have their
own Wikipedia page huh what a bunch of losers I feel bad though knowing that
there's probably some poor kid out there who bought this saw had it given to
them as a present without anyone realizing what kind of mess they were getting
into it's almost worth checking out though just for how bad it really is but
don't let that make you ever look the fact that playing this game is akin to
covering your gonads and syrup and crawling through a fire ants nest well let's
slather those gonads up anyway and get crawling because playing it is exactly
what I've gone and done now a few things worth mentioning about mob enforcer
before we get into what first off this thing runs like absolute shit I never
had issues running no landless forever - which is another game that uses the
same engine but for some reason this thing just runs like crap there's constant
stuttering with the framerate and some weird mouse input issues that causes
aiming to feel really wonky and I've tried so many things to fix this I've
changed my mouse as dpi settings I've tried v sync on and off I've tried forcing
60 or 30 frames per second I even tried a patch to update my registry that's
supposed to fix Mouse acceleration issues with Windows 7 but none of that stuff
worked outside of that though you'll see it's again that just shows a complete
lack of effort anyone who's played no on this forever -is gonna remember that
that game had an upgrade system and as you completed main insight objectives
you'd earn points that you can spend on upgrading your health armor ammo and so
forth now mob enforcer still uses that same system but without the option to
upgrade it and it starts you off with the lowest possible rankings for all the
beeps what this means is you're always struggling for ammo but most importantly
you're always scrounging for health and armor and as a result you're gonna die
a whole heap and then there's the shooting now when people talk about knife -
no one's gonna look back on it and say how amazing its shooting was it was
amazing fruits riding in comedy was amazing for its level design and the way it
gave you a bunch of fun little gadgets and let you choose how you'd get through
an area to complete your mission it adds so much character and personality and
the way you Globetrotters from mission to Mission made it seem varied and interesting
one mission you're driving aski mobile in Siberia the next year in the streets
of India throwing bananas at police officers and even though the shooting
mechanics were a bit wonky and not all that great it was acceptable because it
didn't happen all that often in mob enforcer you're pretty much always in
combat it seems every level you're getting attacked by half a dozen guys at
once and you'll quickly see how shitty the shooting mechanics are after you've
been melted for the 20th time by that group of tommy gun wielding mobsters that
often spawn out of now here the whole thing reminds me of that one Chicago
level from time splitters – but in that game it was ironically cheesy and
cliche here with mob enforcer I get the they were trying to do it on ironically
and that's a bad thing just give them a bit of Chicago lightning everyone's got
these horrible accents that sound like they're doing their worst
italian-american impersonation or like some kind of watered-down uninspired
Andrew Dice Clay if you're radicular duck mob enforcer can suck my cock all in
all there's only ten levels but these will each leave lingering thoughts in
your mind like a public toilet leaves a lingering scent after it's been visited
by a hungover construction worker and what am I supposed to do right so when
mob enforcer you're playing is Jimmy the machine gun Demura and it starts off
with Jimmy having to prove himself to Al Capone's don't ever to do this you
gotta hunt down a Squealer by the name of needles Genaro but define where
needles is hiding you've got to find and rough up a guy named mitts a two-bit
hustler with an infinity for dames and gin joints first thing I notice about
the game was that walking down the street with a weapon equipped makes the cops
shoot at you which I actually thought was kind of neat like maybe this isn't
gonna be a run-of-the-mill shooter so I started again with my weapon halsted
and immediately I got ambushed by a few enemies I thought I'd run back to the cop
to see if he'd deal with them but as you can see he couldn't care less until I
pulled my gun out of course and then he arrested me that was about the most exciting
thing that happened because overall this whole first level is pretty boring you
just run around this giant city block getting ambushed by the same looking
enemies over and over till you find the entrance to this speakeasy but to get
in you need the password so I run to the other side of the goddamn level to
find it getting killed by another cop because I forgot to holster my weapon before
getting into the speakeasy where I find that needles is hiding in the ironically
named lucky Motel at this point the game introduces enemies with shotguns which
is good because the shotgun is vastly better than the pistol oh and I love to
how it's literally the exact same weapon model from Nolan Liz forever - like
they didn't even bother to try to reskin them anyway the second level is all
about getting two needles room you do this by navigating the same looking three
floors of the hotel where enemies keep spawning him like clock work and rushing
your position if these guys aren't completely brain dead they're able to gun
you down like they're fucking John wick or something after a bit of a detour
where they make you go all the way back to the bottom floor I finally get into
needles room and I get to kill him hey needles get a load of this enforcer isn’t
needles why don't you come over here and lick my balls and tickle my ear so are
your needles hey I got something for you he said my balls in your mouth now
we're finally in Capone's good graces this time he wants me to head to the west
side and deal with a bunch of bootlegging operations run by the Chen's Oh
brothers this level is actually kind of fun though and a pretty neat idea so here
you're moving around another city area finding five stores that you need to
destroy and as you're looking for these stores you're avoiding the cops and
killing the same six or so mobsters that seem to keep respawning inconstantly
to attack you it's a combination of guys with pistols shotguns and tommy guns
and you start to see really quickly how one side of the combat can be best
strategy I think is to camp in the stores and just funnel them through the one
door at this point we've pretty much got 90 percent of the weapons - yeah there
am not a whole lot of guns to use in mob enforcer the tommy gun is easily one
of the better weapons only because it has a hundred round drum magazine and it
does decent enough damage after messing up the store fronts you then have to
sneak into the nearby brewery to find the Chen's Oh brothers and this is where
it's tough to get real because the brewery is that god damns laughter house
where bad guys spawn in front and behind you incessantly expect to get blind
side of the whole heap here and be ready to make liberal use of that quick save
button because you're gonna need it once you finally reach the end of the brewery
you take on the Chen's Oh brothers who are apparently twins because it's the
same character model just used twice and these guys can soak up bullets like
nobody's business at this point I unlocked a Browning automatic rifle as well
which should have been a good thing but for some reason this thing has a three
round burst which instantly removes any chance this game might have had of
redeeming itself also it's the most stopped looking weapon model I've ever seen
after that you've then got to blow up the brewery which lazily is just the exact
same level as before but played backwards and this is done by planting five
bundles of dynamite throughout the joint as you try to make your escape with
mobsters spawning in expectedly at the same time unfortunately the feds are here
too and you end up getting caught and locked in the slammer but no chill bitch
Sal's gonna hold a Morrisey for some reason the tunnels underneath this place
are a goddamn deathtrap someone really needs to get down there and do some
maintenance work on these pipes why don't you come over and clean these pipes
once you reach the street you've got to avoid the cops and reach a nearby safe house
which is simple enough simply because for months you're not getting ambushed
every two seconds then the next level is probably the most annoying one in the
entire game now what you need to do sounds easy enough on paper you've got to
pick up a bag of cash from a nearby dumpster to bribe the chief of police and
then also get a police uniform from a laundry to sneak into the precinct without
being detected but as you're searching the streets you're constantly getting
attacked by easily a couple of dozen bad guys at once and they are relentless
like the earlier level two cops are completely oblivious to enemy's attacking
you and they won't do a goddamn thing like this guy look at him the problem too
is that the enemy seemed to spawn in at complete random and often completely
out of thin air frequently behind you also - it's the same city recycled from
the first level like how lazy this whole level made mere think my life choices
and if playing this game was really worth it and I'd have to be some kind of
idiot to keep playing the game at this point you know what I mean eventually I
got through it and found the police station and after bribing the chief you
then have to sneak into the cells to kill some guy namedlechero who Capone is
word is gonna turn informant again like finishing off needles in the first job
that he just stands there and accepts his fate he probably wants to be erased
from the game and I don't blame him after this you're back to wrecking
storefronts for Capone another five just like last time though now the goal is
to break into the safes in the office of each shop and still some cash in fact
about the whole game you're always finding cash though it's never said what
this is actually used for outside of effecting the end level score a score
which is about as meaningful as drinking food coloring then marveling at the
fact that now your piece is a different shade of yellow yeah anyway this is
again the same city from the last level repeated and just like before you are
consistently being attacked by droves of enemies literally a dozen at once I'm
not an enforcer I'm a one-man killing machine how does organized crime still
even exist in this city with the amount of people I'm killing here during this level
you'll also get the hunting rifle returning again unchanged from north -and
this thing seems pretty decent because at least it can kill enemies in a single
hit but the slow firing rate and reload time makes it about as useful as fart
flavored air freshener can I also say again how disappointed I am how they butchered
the browning automatic rifle in this game like Vito Corleone a says in the godfather
look at how they massacred my boy anyway after clearing out the five shops
wiping out another few dozen mobsters at this point it's amazing any of them
are still left finally Capone wants to meet us in person so we head off to his
suite at the Lexington steel hotel as soon as we get there though the Paris cut
bombs go off in the places attacked by Johnny Tyrell oh and his men first we've
got to restore power to the building which is done by heading to the basement
then we've got ten minutes to find and defuse a bunch of bombs around the hotel
this isn't too hard though because the ticking from the bombs is so loud you'd probably
have to be deaf to not hear it when you're close by once we reach Capone's
suite though we find he's been tied up by Tyrell oh and we have to whack him in
another boss fight torella then starts throwing Molotov cocktails so quickly
and efficiently you'd think it's some kind of Olympic event but is easy enough
to kill then for the final mission in the game we've got to escort Capone out
of the hotel which is yet again another level just lazily recycled like heating
up two day old spaghetti bolognaise in the microwave again because you can't be
asked making afresh batch though this level did add the benefit of making me
laugh at this stupid prick doing somersaults down the stair case but finally we
finished the game and what do we get for our hard work well how about just the
logo for the game on a black background yeah that's all you're getting bitch -
all that mob enforcer or Chicago enforcer whatever I'm supposed to call it was
pretty bad I'd probably compare it to eating soggy cereal or having a catheter
put in it’s a bare-bones lazy shooter that doesn't really add anything all that
new or exciting to the genre and it takes what's probably one of the weakest
elements of the Jupiter engine which is the shooting mechanics and turns it in to
an entire game on top of that like I said earlier it runs horribly there's framerate
issues the mouse input is as wonky as a shopping cart with three wheels and to
simply make the game playable on any level required more screwing around than a
night spent in a cheap hotel with your mum swaged about the only good thing
that came out of this game was that it let me try to work on my voice
impressions but aside from that it was a complete waste of time leave the game
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